Do or Die II: The Chamber of Secrets
by Marauderish Mischief Maker
Summary: The people in the Weasley garden have ten more days to read six more books on Harry's life before the Quidditch World Cup. How will the Marauders react when the Chamber of Secrets turns out to be less of a legend than they thought?
1. You Call This A Birthday Party?

"Harry." called a soft voice, "Harry."

The teen stirred. "Sirius?" he murmured sleepily.

"Hey there, Prongslet."

Harry looked around the tent, only to find it empty of companions, other than his godfather. "Where's everybody else?"

"Breakfast."

" _You're_ missing out on breakfast?" Harry pretended to gasp. "Padfoot, I've seen you eat."

"Very funny." Sirius stuck out his tongue. "Actually, what I'm hoping to miss out on is your overly-maternal house-elf shoving another dose of that foul potion down my throat. Hasn't found me yet."

Harry propped himself on up his elbows and examined his godfather critically. "Sirius, you look terrible."

"What do you mean? Do I have bedhead or something?" Sirius ran a nervous hand through his hair.

"In order to have bedhead, you would've had to have actually slept," Harry pointed out.

Sirius sighed. "Yeah, well, didn't do much of that last night, even as Padfoot."

Harry was concerned. "What did you two talk to McGonagall about?"

"Why were you talking to Fred and George?" Sirius countered.

"Uh-uh," Harry pouted, "I asked you first."

"So you did, but you already know the answer: Remus and I believe that Dumbledore has manipulated situations in your life to fit his purposes, and McGonagall agrees."

"Which situations, though."

"Well, for instance, Neville Longbottom—who according to Remus, has a great aptitude for Herbology—happens to appear right before you, Ron, and Hermione take on Devil's Snare."

"Oh."

" _Oh_ indeed, " echoed Sirius. "Your turn."

"Breakfast time," Harry announced, taking his growling stomach, as an opportunity to sprint toward The Burrow. He had promised not to reveal the twins' secret project.

"Oi, no fair!" Sirius called, taking off after him. Harry was spared from answering the charge, however, by a pair of spindly arms wrapping themselves around his knees.

"Harry Potter, Dobby has come to read with you!"

"Have you?" said Harry startled. "Sirius," he turned to his approaching godfather. "This is Dobby, I sort of freed him."

"Nice to meet you, Dobby. I'm sorry, did you say you _freed_ a house-elf?"

"Yeah, sort of…I wonder who else is here," mused Harry, just as the others filed into the garden. "Colin?"

The mousy-haired third year's look of hero-worship turned to terror in the space of two seconds. "Harry, look out!"

Harry whipped his head around and smacked Sirius in the chest.

"Ouch," the animagus whimpered. "Listen, kid, I know what you're thinking, but I would never hurt my own godson.

"He's innocent," confirmed Harry, shooting a questioning look at Remus.

"Hey, in my defense, I've been trying to get on a first-name basis here with Colin here, but yes, Colin, Sirius is innocent, as you will learn when we read about this past year." Colin quieted, seeming to take the word of his hero, and favorite professor.

That crisis averted, Tonks spoke up. "I've got fruit and toast for the two of you, and Sirius, Lulu would like you to know that you haven't avoided taking your Trauma Draught."

"Damn it," Sirius groaned, draining the vial Remus handed him. "Whose turn is it?"

"Mine," answered Hermione, opening up the novel in her hand.

"Hold on," Ginny raised her hand, causing Hermione to pause. "Is there a summary on the book jacket?"

Hermione nodded. "It says…"

"Oh, fantastic!" Tonks spoke on her cousin's behalf, as Sirius dropped jaw prevented him from speaking. Ginny had also paled. It seemed her transgressions would be documented just as completely as the events of Harry's first year.

…

"Turned into stone?" Arabella cried.

Hermione nodded. "The fiirst chapter is called **Chapter One**."

"In case I didn't detest this book already," Remus drawled. Sirius, Arabella, and McGonagall nodded in agreement

…

"Only three," repeated Tonks, "Hedwig is off her game."

…

"Go ahead and try, Dursley!" Sirius threatened.

"Padfoot," Remus whispered, though he too was having a hard time staying calm. "You aren't helping your case with Colin over there."

"Right," Sirius breathed. He tried to smile at the small boy who had taken a cushion at Ginny's feet.

…

"Don't bother trying to explain," advised Fred and George in unison.

…

"Is that a rhetorical question?" Sirius inquired innocently. "Because I'm pretty sure the answer would be yes. You look incredibly stupid."

…

"As smart an owl as Hedwig is, she would probably head straight for Ron or me," Hermione replied. "My dad has a police sergeant friend who would have loved to arrest the Dursleys."

"Pick the lock, cub," Remus advised. "Send Hedwig to Hermione."

"I didn't know how at the time," Harry replied.

…

"Typical Dursley!" Arabella hissed with disgust, as the boy in the book belched.

…

"The school food is healthy, Merlin forbid," Harry broke in.

…

"No one can be that big," gasped Colin, speaking for the first time.

"Dudley can," Harry replied. "And he only gets bigger."

…

"Oh dear," Arabella moaned. "This is not going to go over well."

…

Remus rubbed the bridge of his nose, trying to calm the wolf that sensed danger to its cub.

…

"The _M_ word!" echoed McGonagall furiously. "These people are preposterous!"

…

"He didn't threaten your tub of lard son, Dursley!" Ginny hollered.

"Calm down, sweetheart," said Arthur.

…

"By the way, Remus, you're lucky Hermione got this chapter, otherwise your ears would be suffering pretty badly."

"Believe me, cub, I'm eternally grateful, especially because I've had the displeasure of hearing Vernon Dursley in person."

… **.**

"Are you telling me he can't fit in the chair?" Molly Weasley shook her head. "That should be their first clue that the boy is unhealthy!"

"There are a lot of things they need to get a clue about," Sirius remarked, still fuming about the fact that his godson had almost lost his beloved owl.

…

The pranksters snorted appreciatively. "Another animal comparison," Fred cheered

…

"Who wants to be normal?" scoffed Tonks, changing her hair to a shade of a electric blue.

…

"Don't blame you, Harry," shuddered Colin, who was routinely bullied by Snape.

…

"Ah, Quidditch," sighed Fred dreamily. "Nothing like it."

…

"That would happen, Mr. Potter," McGonagall promised. "I would not have put you on the team if I didn't have confidence in your skills,"

Harry was too embarrassed by this praise to notice the Marauders having a telepathic conversation, in which they vowed to increase Harry's own self-confidence.

…

"Harry's the one who ought to be ashamed of you!" Arabella shrieked.

…

"Lily didn't resemble her family either," Remus recalled.

…

"And then," Suddenly Hermione found herself fighting against a powerful magical force. "And…and then... and…and…"

"What on earth?" Molly cried.

"She's fighting something, " Tonks replied, "I thought you said there were no curses on these books, Dumbledore. I knew I should have checked them myself!"

"Harry, call your blasted elf, and tell her to stop cursing Hermione!" Ron demanded

"That is no house-elf magic, sir!" Dobby cried from Harry's feet. He was clearly offended by the slight on his friend and his race.

"No, it is not," agreed Dumbledore. "Miss Granger, am I correct in assuming that you attempted to gloss over the story of that dreadful Halloween."

"An Anti-Concealment Charm," Remus and Tonks chorused.

"And a strong one at that," Dumbledore added. "You must read the chapter in its entirety."

"Oh, Harry I'm sorry," she groaned.

"Thanks for trying, Mione," he whispered, burying his head, as he was ushered closer to Remus's side.

…

"Not saying his name is the stupidest thing I ever heard!" Tonks declared, eyeing the Weasley family pointedly.

…

Cries of outrage were heard at the conclusion of that line.

…

"Oi." Sirius made a face at his godson, as Hermione read about a smelly dog.

"If the robes fit, wear them," teased Remus, grinning.

….

"Ah, who needs the Dursleys," Fred insisted. "You'll be spending your birthday with us this year."

…

"Whoop-de-bloody-do" muttered Ginny, at the mention of Vernon's dinner party.

…

"Watching them kiss arse should be amusing," George grinned.

"AHEM!" Molly screeched.

…

"Hopefully Dudley opens the door wide enough for them to run away," Sirius mused. "As fast as they possibly can."

"Oh, they were running that night," Arabella remembered wincing. "That woman had quite the voice box."

"What happened?" McGonagall wanted to know.

"Nothing good," Arabella replied

…

"Sure, they'll love him. If they're mental," Ron snorted.

…

"That's a late dinner," Arthur remarked.

…

"He does realize this is the twentieth century, right?" Hermione giggled. "And women can walk for themselves."

"Don't think he knows what a century is," Harry replied.

…

"How many times is he going to make you repeat that?" Sirius growled. Harry didn't answer.

…

"More like pathetic," McGonagall amended bitterly.

…

"Isn't this the first time Dudley has met the man?" Remus inquired.

Harry nodded.

"Some hero."

…

Having no such restraints, everyone in the garden was in hysterics.

… **.**

"Here's a novel idea, why don't you call him by his name?" said Molly crossly, as the party sobered up.

…

"Perhaps not," said Dumbledore sadly.

"You're the reason he is with them in the first place!" McGonagall snapped.

…

"Happy birthday dear Harry…happy birthday to you!" lead Tonks, Fred, and George in an attempt to turn the depressing scene around.

…

Ron and Hermione bowed their heads when it was mentioned that Harry hadn't gotten their letters.

…

"I tried to write!" Ron protested.

…

"Use every advantage you've got," said Tonks approvingly.

"It's against the law!" Molly reminded her.

"Not the threat itself," she countered.

"And not if a legal and fully-qualified wizard carries it out," Sirius added, more than happy to do so.

…

"We didn't forget!" Ron and Hermione both cried.

"I know," Harry assured them.

…

"Oh, Prongslet," Remus whispered, carding his fingers through his nephew's hair. Sirius was busy venting his frustration at the dream description by flipping off a cackling gnome.

…

There was a response of general confusion throughout the garden. The hedge was staring back?

…

"Oh, great," said Ron sarcastically.

…

"All seven of them? That's accomplishment for him," snarked Arabella

…

"Seems Harry agrees with you, ma'am," remarked George. He and Fred were quickly developing an admiration for the witty older woman.

…

"He does have friends. Us."

…

"Gross," screamed Hermione and Ginny.

"Get a belt," added Ron.

…

"Us," repeated Hermione, Remus, and the entire Weasley family. Sirius looked down. He dearly wanted to add to the chorus, but at that point in time, he would not have been able to take his godson in. Remus must have sensed this because he gave the animagus a brotherly clap on the shoulder and motioned for Harry to hug his godfather.

…

"Does he think that's real magic?" McGonagall asked in astonishment.

"To Muggles that is real magic, Professor," Colin replied.

"Is that so?" mused a fascinated Arthur.

"It is, Mr. Weasley," Hermione confirmed, before getting back to the book.

…

This called forth the maternal instinct of every woman present—most of the males, Marauders particularly, were also infuriated—which produced a shower of varying curses from those who carried wands. (Although verbal, Arabella's were just as colorful)

…

"I know, I know," Harry replied before anyone could say a word.

…

"Harry's not an animal, you vile woman!" cried Molly.

"Not unless you teach me how to become an animagus," Harry spoke hopefully.

"Nice try, cub of mine," Remus laughed.

…

"That dress looked ghastly on her," Harry reported, gagging.

…

"Ah, shut your hole, Dursley!"

"Ginny!"

… **.**


	2. The House-Elf Says Hello

Hermione passed the book to Ron, who looked at the chapter, and then back at the crowd. " **Chapter** … **Two** , Dobby, would you like to read this one, and I'll take the next one?"

"Oh, yes sir!" The house-elf jumped to his feet eagerly.

"Why would Dobby be warning Harry?" Arabella inquired frantically.

"I have a feeling we'll read about it," Arthur said, trying to be a comfort to both Arabella and his own wife.

…

"You were spying on my godson!" Sirius accused Dobby.

"Leave him be," Harry ordered, causing the Marauders to give him shocked looks. "I mean, please leave him alone."

"Much better," they chorused.

….

"Not a good time for you to show up, Dobby," Ginny worried, causing the house-elf's lip to tremble.

Harry gave her a hard look. "It's all right, Dobby, keep reading."

…

Harry recalled that Dobby's ensemble had actually made him grateful for Dudley's oversized, but otherwise functional hand-me-downs, not that he would ever say so in front of Dobby.

…

"Please, no!" whispered Remus. "Don't alert the Dursleys."

…

Molly Weasley's alarmingly raised eyebrows reiterated to Harry what a bad idea it would have been to have asked his question that way.

…

"Well, look at that," spoke Tonks with a chuckle, "you got both your questions answered at once."

…

The Marauders, Harry, and Arabella simultaneously shivered in revulsion. They had all heard _that_ laugh come out of Petunia's mouth before.

…

"I think we'd all like to know the reason you've arrived, Dobby," said McGonagall.

…

"The beginning is usually the best place to start a tale," remarked Dumbledore philosophically.

…

"Bad move, Harry" winced Sirius.

"Why?" Colin asked.

…

"That's why," the animagus replied, becoming increasingly worried for his godson. "House-elves aren't used to being treated politely."

…

"So basically house-elves are treated like second-class citizens?" fumed Hermione.

"Tis as it has always been, miss," Dobby sighed.

…

"Truer words were never spoken," huffed Hermione in agreement with Book Harry's characterization of Dobby's owners.

…

Ron cursed. He had heard Hedwig show her displeasure many times, whenever she was confined to her cage on the Hogwarts Express. Dobby had to wait for Molly Weasley to finish scolding her son before he could read again.

…

"Did your masters know?" inquired McGonagall. Dobby shook his head.

…

"His owners would notice," Sirius conceded, "but they'd probably think he'd punished himself for a broken a vase or something."

…

"That's barbaric," Hermione declared.

"It's harsh, even by Pureblood standards," Tonks agreed.

…

"He can't leave without losing control of his magic," Remus explained, going into "Professor mode" again.

 **...**

"You'll never serve them again," Harry promised.

"You know who they are," Arabella assumed, but Dobby spoke before Harry did.

"Lulu says they is to find out by themselves, Harry Potter."

The twins pouted.

…

"Oh stop," Ginny begged, "his uncle will hear you!"

"This already happened, Miss Weasley," Dumbledore reminded her.

 **...**

"That's because Dobby never knew Lily," Remus whispered to Sirius.

…

The mentioned witch blushed.

…

Hermione gave Harry crushing hug. "I'm sorry."

…

"Because it's probably more a trauma than a triumph for him," Arthur pointed out. Dobby nodded, looking ashamed.

…

"Sorry, but I'll never stop saying thename,, " Harry remarked confidently.

"Good to know, cub."

… **.**

"Sorry, mate," Ron sighed.

…

"You bet he escaped." Sirius whooped, glad to have something to celebrate.

… **.**

"The Dursleys are actually ignoring the ruckus you two are making?" Arabella gasped.

"Well, paying attention would mean admitting that something in their life isn't 'perfectly normal.'"

"Good point, dear."

…

"Yeah, why?" Sirius echoed Harry's question. "What is going on under your nose this time, Dumbledore?"

…

Arthur and Molly Weasley paled, remembering just how terrible that year had indeed been. Their daughter…their little Ginny would never be the same.

… **.**

"That a fair point," Tonks spoke. "Even if Harry was specifically named in this plot…"

"No," Sirius shuddered. "Don't even suggest that."

Tonks glanced at her cousin, alarmed and instantly apologetic. "What I meant to say is aren't there better people to tell, like _Aurors_ for instance."

…

"Glad I'm not the only one who's confused," said the redhead cheerfully.

…

"Merlin forbid," whispered Molly, as the grin slid off of Fred's face.

…

"Yes, Harry," Remus replied, smiling slightly. "Even house-elves know who Dumbledore is."

…

"Thank you, Dobby," Dumbledore acknowledged.

…

"But no one has ever accused your master of being decent," Harry pointed out. Dobby gave a wheezy giggle as if he enjoyed having an inside joke with Harry.

…

"Don't do that," Molly scolded Dobby.

…

"Vernon's coming," groaned Hermione.

 **...**

"I'm sure the Masons appreciated your timing on that one, Harry," remarked Ron. "I know I wouldn't want to hear Vernon's idea of a joke."

…

"I can make you the same promise if you ever threaten Harry again, Dursley!" Sirius growled.

…

"You do have friends," all the current students assured Harry.

…

"How did you know that they weren't writing?" McGonagall, Sirius, and Remus asked at once.

…

"What other emotion besides anger did you expect, Dobby?" George wanted to know.

…

"Yes, he has," chorused the Weasleys, the Marauders, Hermione, Tonks, and Arabella.

…

"He didn't send you any rock cakes, did he, Harry?

"Not this time, Colin," Harry replied, and the boy practically did a jig at being addressed,

"Excitable, isn't he?" mouthed Sirius, raising an eyebrow.

"That's Colin for you," Remus whispered back.

…

"Because Privet Drive is so much better," Hermione scoffed.

…

Tonks glared at the elf. "You are aware it's against the law to enter a minor into a magical contract? You could land in front of the Ministry for that."

"Dobby knows it, Miss."

"Don't turn him in, Tonks," Harry wheedled.

"This is very serious, Mr. Potter," McGonagall explained, on behalf of a pale Remus. "If you had given your word, and broken it, you magical core would have exploded, and almost assuredly killed you."

"Oh." Harry felt a sudden surge of discomfort and quickly waved Dobby on.

…

"There's always a choice," countered Hermione.

…

"Because I'm sure the story's just riveting," snorted Fred.

…

Tonks bit down on her thumbnail.

…

Arabella winced. "I assure you nothing that can come of this will do Harry good."

… **.**

"Damn it, Dobby!" hissed Sirius.

…

"Who's Veron calling ' _disturbed'_?" Ginny shouted.

…

"Double damn!" said Sirius, "It's the ministry."

…

"Joke?" Ron repeated. "Are we still talking about the Dursleys here?"

"Did you just make one, little brother?" Fred inquired, equally aghast.

Ron glared.

…

"Doesn't the Ministry know that Muggles would definitely notice an owl flying through the living room window?" a confused Colin wanted to know.

Tonks shrugged. "As I'm quickly learning myself, most of the people who work at the Ministry are a bunch of raging hypocrites. No offense to you, Arthur."

"None was taken," Mr. Weasley replied. "Don't worry, Harry, Tonks and I will make sure this is wiped from your record."

…

"He had a good reason for not divulging the no-magic rule, " Remus remarked bitterly. "It was the only leverage he had."

…

"Yet another reason for me to hate cats!" Sirius declared.

….

"Which I'm sure they considered incredibly generous," McGonagall snapped.

…

"I was the one who potty trained Harry while they were on vacation," Arabella replied. "Best thing they ever did for him was going on vacation."

Harry buried his head in Remus's robes, feeling this was a bit of an over share. At least Mrs. Figg had failed to mention that he had been going on four years old at the time. It was not something Harry figured his godfather (whose comfort Harry couldn't seek because he could see that Sirius was too distressed in his own right) needed to know.

…

"It's all right, Sirius," Tonks tried to comfort her cousin. "Obviously Harry got out of there because if he didn't, there wouldn't be much of a book, now would there?"

…

"Give me the damn book, Dobby," Harry ordered getting to his feet.

"Harry!" Molly Weasley cried.

Remus wasn't too fond of the language either, but he felt it best to get to the bottom of the matter, rather than scold. "What are you going to do with it, cub?"

"I'm going to throw it into the fireplace," Harry replied. "I'm going to burn every one of these stupid books! Sirius just got out of prison. After dealing with those bloody Dementors every day, the last thing he needs to hear about is my childhood."

"We must read them, Harry, sir," squeaked Lulu, who had popped into the garden at the first sign of her master's outburst. "There be lives to be saved because of it, sir."

"Lulu's right, pup," whispered Sirius. "And anyway, I deserve to hear everything. The reason you're with those wretched people in the first place is that I went off half-cocked to avenge your parents instead of taking care of you as I should have."

"No Sirius," Remus said sternly. "You can listen to me if you want, but even if you don't, Harry, Tonks, and I will tell you as often as you need to hear it. There a several people responsible for the state of Harry's childhood: Voldemort, Albus, the Dursleys, and of course _, HIM._ _You_ are not on that list, Sirius."

Sirius didn't seem to believe Remus, but he didn't protest, so Dobby read on.

…

"Much as I know you love your owl, Harry, I think we'd all rather you ate all of the soup yourself," said Hermione.

"I certainly would," Molly and Arabella agreed

…

"And in any case," chuckled Arabella, "she appears to be a very proud creature,"

"That she is," Harry replied. He stroked the owl in question. Hedwig had just flown out of Ron's open window, apparently thoroughly worn out by Pig's hyperactivity.

…

"Someone from the staff would most definitely come get you, " Dumbledore assured Harry.

…

" _That Harry could sleep hungry was only a testament to how much practice he had doing so_ ," thought Hermione sadly.

…

"Three 'someones' actually," Harry amended, as the three Weasleys bowed.

…

"That is being the end of the chapter," Dobby announced.

"Thank Merlin!" breathed Sirius.


	3. The Weasley Abode

"This one's called **Chapter Three** ," Ron announced, clearing his throat. The twins whooped.

…

"Bit shocked to see them, are you?" Ginny giggled.

"Yeah, you could say that."

…

"No," Remus answered George's past self. "No, he wasn't all right."

…

"Kind of a shock when Dad told us, actually," George reported. "Because aside from saving the world and all that, you're sort of a goody-two-shoes, Harrykins."

"Say it ain't so," wailed Sirius, whom Harry and Remus were happy to see was regaining at least a portion of his good humor.

…

"Go, Arthur!" Tonks cheered. "What?" she asked in answer to Molly's glare. "An Auror can't enjoy a good loophole.

…

"Ronald," Hermione sighed, "you really don't listen sometimes. Harry told you he didn't do the magic"

…

"So little faith in us, Harrykins," Fred chided.

…

Molly Weasley whimpered. She should've believed her sons when they warned her about Harry's living conditions.

…

This line precipitated several dark looks around the garden, particularly from Fred and George, who had, at the time, thought Harry was joking about the Dursleys killing him.

…

The Marauders, Tonks, Arabella, and Ginny gave a cheer, now that the teen was that much closer to being free.

…

"Keep it that way," prayed Arabella, who knew exactly the kind of thing the Dursleys would do to Harry if they caught him escaping.

…

"You two always have Quidditch on the brain," Hermione accused, but she was smiling slightly.

…

"And how do you two know how to pick locks?" Molly wanted to know.

…

"Good man, Harry," Tonks praised. "Always give the proper intel."

…

"Come on, come on!" Remus cheered.

…

"Hurry up!" Sirius ordered. "Before the whale wakes up."

…

"Phew," said Arabella, wiping the sweat from her brow.

…

"The sooner the better," remarked McGonagall.

…

"Worst timing ever, Hedwig!" Ginny groaned.

"You were so close!" Tonks lamented.

…

"Don't you touch my cub, Dursley!"

"If they hate Harry, why are they glad to be rid of him?" Colin asked.

"Because when Harry leaves, they lose their slave," Hermione spat.

…

"He's getting away forever," Sirius promised, hugging his godson to himself.

…

"Ha, ha!" Fred gleefully taunted the Dursleys.

…

Several in the garden were laughing as well. The Marauders could be heard above everyone, howling with sheer relief.

…

"And she wasn't very happy with me either," Harry shivered. Not only was an unhappy Hedwig a very unpleasant experience, but for an added wallop she was his only friend while he was at Privet Drive.

…

"Once he told me, I kind of wished I hadn't asked," Ron admitted.

…

"You can say that again," said Sirius sourly.

"Very fishy," said Fred.

"Definitely dodgy," added George, causing the palm of his mother's hand to meet her forehead.

…

"Not purposefully lying," Remus surmised, while Sirius and Tonks eyed Dobby with suspicion. "House-elf magic is complicated."

…

"A cruel joke," Remus added. "In any case that was a good way of explaining it."

…

"Nope, Blacks don't do anything common," said Tonks. "They'd rather pick names that would scar their kids for life."

…

"He was in the inner circle and still is," Arthur reiterated.

…

"The Malfoys have several elves," said Dumbledore. "Most Pureblood families do."

…

"It would

…

"No, always take a threat like this seriously," Tonks advised.

…

"Errol's the owl I had when I was in school," Mr. Weasley answered.

…

"Why?" asked Hermione, suspicion coloring her tone.

"Percy's got a girlfriend," the twins sang.

…

"No, I had the night shift," Arthur told Harry.

…

"Good luck with hiding that," chuckled Hermione

…

"Sorry," Ron apologized.

Arthur shrugged. "Everyone has different interests, son."

…

Colin too looked at Arthur questioningly.

"Mostly I track down wizards who get their kicks by Muggle-baiting," Arthur explained.

…

"Yes, that tea incident was a nightmare," Arthur recalled.

…

"Ouch," winced Colin, at the mention of the tea things.

…

Arthur grinned sheepishly at his wife, who nodded in confirmation of Fred's statement

…

"Get home before the Muggles in the village wake up," Remus urged.

…

Hermione giggled, wondering how Fred knew about Muggle American football.

"What?" Ron inquired, but Hermione shook her head. It would take too long to explain the reference.

…

"It _is_ held up by magic," Ron told Harry.

…

Arabella snorted. "Not that your home isn't lovely, Molly, Arthur, but a cardboard box would seem wonderful compared to that dump

…

"Do you really think I'm that oblivious, Frederick," Molly hissed.

…

"Clearly you aren't, dear," Arthur replied.

…

"No kidding, George," agreed Remus, amused.

…

"You failed miserably," Molly informed George.

… **.**

Sirius smiled. "For the record, your Grandmother Potter was the same way, Harry. Scary!"

…

"They aren't the older boys, Molly," Arthur reminded her.

"I know that!" his wife snapped, but for his part, Harry wasn't sure she did.

…

"We are sorry about that part, Dad," Ron remarked.

"Thank you, son."

…

"Molly, you scared Harry!" Sirius accused.

"I didn't mean to."

…

"It _is_ surreal the first time," agreed Hermione.

"This is your first time in a Wizarding home?" Tonks surmised.

Hermione nodded.

"Mine too," Colin spoke, "I think it's wicked!"

…

"Not her!" Remus groaned. "I don't know who sings worse, Celestina or Sirius."

"Don't insult Celestina," Molly scolded as if she took personal offense.

"Don't insult Sirius," Harry countered.

…

"Teaching the twins as long as I have, I've learned to expect the unexpected," McGonagall observed.

…

"Of course I don't blame Harry," Molly agreed with her past self. "He didn't ask them to fly that car."

…

"Cloudy's a plus," conceded Tonks. Part of her agreed with the Weasley matriarch that her children had pulled a risky move coming to Privet Drive, but she had always counted friendship above all, and the Trio exemplified that beautifully.

…

"Wait a bloody minute!" Sirius ordered, and Ron stuttered to a stop obligingly. "Are you telling me that you son explicitly told you that Harry was being starved, and your response was to tell him to _shut his mouth?_ Is that what I'm hearing?"

"I…I…"

" _Is that what I'm hearing?"_ Sirius thundered. "For you to blow that off is unacceptable!"

"I thought the twins were just trying to get out of trouble," Molly wailed.

"Sirius," Harry spoke, while Fred and George left no one uncertain about their feeling. It was only Tonks who cottoned on.

"All right, you lot! These three need some time to themselves." The Marauders nodded their thanks and steered Harry to the seclusion of the orchard.

"Did either of you make her do that?"

"No," Sirius replied, "But I'm sure glad she did. Tell me the truth, pup, do you think you don't deserve our love?"

"I don't…I don't know."

"If you did, it would natural, but we do love you, Pup. Remus and I love you so much."

"Harry," Remus whispered, making a conscious effort to take control back from the wolf, who was trying to fight its way to the surface in defense of its cub. "Cub, I understand how hard it is for you to let somebody stand up for you, but that's all Sirius is trying to do, okay?

"You've done beautifully, pup. Let us take care of you now."

"I'll…I'll try."

That was good enough the Marauders decided, and the three joined the group again. Harry looked deeply relieved when Ron started to read again without ceremony.

…

"Shut it, Fred!" said Ginny going scarlet. Harry and Colin did as well, remembering the autograph incident later that year.

…

"That escape plan's not going to work, guys," laughed Tonks.

…

"It does not have to be dull work," remarked Dumbledore. "Fun can be found in just about anything."

…

George wasn't the only one who groaned.

…

"Lockhart's still a git, eh? Remus and I went to school with him."

…

"I do fancy him!" Molly insisted, amidst snickers.

…

"All the more reason I do like it," said Harry, beaming at the garden.

…

"What do your gnomes look like then?" Colin asked.

…

Remus winced. During the full moons without his friends, he had often turned on himself by antagonizing the gnomes in his cottage garden. He knew from experience their toes were sharp.

… **.**

"Never feel sorry for the gnomes," George advised. "They'll take advantage of you more quickly than you know."

…

"What do you mean 'pitiful'?" pouted Ron. "It was a big thud."

"Keep reading," said Hermione with a chuckle.

…

"And that was just a fluke," Sirius applauded. "I'd like to see how far you could make it go when you're trying."

…

"Gnomes aren't the smartest creatures," Remus shrugged.

…

"And I will never know why they amuse you," Molly said, shaking her hand at her husband.

…

"Sorry," said Harry quickly, afraid that he had embarrassed Mr. Weasley.

"It's all right."

…

"Sounds like something the little bugger would do," Tonks nodded. Fletcher was infamous throughout the Ministry

….

"What was wrong with the ferrets?" Arabella wanted to know.

"I don't remember, actually, probably psychical adaptations of some kind."

…

"Walking into that one, Dad." Ginny chided him.

…

"Yeah, I'll bet that woke you up." Sirius laughed.

…

"I assume you would find that very easy to imagine," McGonagall remarked, eyed the wizard.

 **...**

"You wrote that loophole on purpose," said Remus knowingly. Arthur Weasley had always amused him.

...

"That 'Harry who' brilliant by the way."

"I try, Harry."

 **...**

Dumbledore's eyes sparkled. "Whatever he has to say, I doubt it is something you would care to ."

 **...  
**

"Smooth, Arthur" Tonks giggled.

 **...  
**

Ginny turned scarlet. Why did Harry have to notice everything?

...

"Thanks for that, Ron," Ginny hissed.

 **...**

"We tried to er…'redecorate' Ron's room once during Christmas," George recalled, "but Bill caught us, and changed it back."

 **...**

"Only because the Wimbourne Wasps were worse that year." Fred scoffed.

"The Wasps are awesome!" Sirius pouted.

"They've gotten better."

 **...**

The Marauders growled at the mention of Pettigrew.

 **...**

"Bigger than my first room," said Harry nonchalantly.

"That was a _cupboard_ , Potter," McGonagall reminded him. "It hardly qualifies."

 **...**

"Your turn, Tonks."


	4. Brawl at the Bookstore

"Right, you lot, this is chapter four, entitled **Chapter Four** ," announced Tonks.

The Weasley children cheered at being called different than life at Privet Drive.

…

"When you think about it, things happen so often it's not really unexpected," mused the patriarch. "An occupational hazard of living with the twins, I suppose."

…

"The mirror told me I looked like a dwarf," grumbled Colin, who was rather small.

"You'll grow," Tonks assured him, before reading on.

…

"They are perfectly normal," confirmed Ron and Ginny.

…

"Well, of course, we like you, Harry!" Molly cried, seeming mortally offended that the Dursleys didn't think of their nephew as a charming boy.

…

Arabella winced, knowing that this was a bad idea. If Harry was reintroduced to normally sized meals too soon after his customary meager helpings at Privet Drive, he was likely to throw up, as he had done nearly every day during a weeklong stay with her while the Dursleys were on holiday. Harry looked at his neighbor and nodded, confirming that he had snuck off to vomit.

…

"Oh, Arthur," McGonagall shook her head.

…

The current Ginny looked much as described in the book, except that she was glaring as if daring any of her brothers to laugh at the predicament of her eleven-year-old book self.

…

"Am I the only one sensing a trend in the book titles?" inquired Arabella.

…

Remus didn't know whether to growl or snort. Wandering with Werewolves, _my arse._

…

"Let me guess," Sirius groaned

" **By …"** read Tonks in a mocking voice.

"You're still my kid cousin, don't make me sick a gnome on you."

…

At this point, Harry was on the receiving end of an elbow from Remus.

"Ouch!"

"Sorry, cub, I was aiming for the mutt, or don't you see the face he's making?"

Harry looked at the man in question and saw that his godfather was eyeing Mrs. Weasley, as if on the verge of asking her something.

"No, she was not the DADA teacher," he laughed, quietly. "And you're really awful, Padfoot."

"But you like it when I'm awful," Sirius whispered back, and Harry smiled. It was true that the Marauders' antics gave him a feeling of warm affection toward the two men.

...

The twins and Ron stopped sniggering quickly when their sister turned her glare on them.

 **...  
**

"Why is he wearing it during the summer?" Colin asked.

"Don't know," Fred replied, "It's not as if we care he's a prefect, we wouldn't listen to him anyway."

"We never listened to Remus either," Sirius agreed.

"It seems that was an experiment that failed dismally," McGonagall admitted.

 **...**

"Yes, but you failed to mention the car," Hermione scolded Ron.

...

"Errol was a good owl in his day," Arthur said in defense of his school pet.

...

"Vacation or not, you still have homework, Mr. Weasley," McGonagall reminded him.

 **...**

"Quidditch in the orchard sounds like fun," said Remus.

 **...**

"Ha, bloody ha," Ron stuck his tongue out at Harry.

 **...**

"I don't think it's shameful, but I still can't believe Dad was Head Boy and not Remus."

...

"You'll meet them in a few days," Ginny told him. "They're both coming back home for the Quidditch Cup."

 **...**

"You don't need to worry about that, son," Arthur scolded gently. "Like your mother said, we'll manage."

…

"Probably not," Sirius growled as the Dursley's greed was mentioned.

...

"Then this Floo trip should be an interesting experience for you," Tonks predicted.

"Oh, it was."

 **...  
**

"I think you mean esca _lators,_ " Hermione giggled.

 **...**

"I think I would feel better if Harry went with one of you," remarked Remus.

 **...**

"Personally, that wouldn't assure me." Hermione shivered.

 **...**

"Mind?" Arabella snapped. "They'd think it was a hilarious joke."

...

"Seems to me we need to adjust Dudley's sense of humor," Fred theorized.

 **...**

"Perhaps it was not prudent to give him so many tips," realized Dumbledore.

 **...**

"Oh, dear," spoke Tonks.

"Well, come on." Sirius urged. "I want to know what's happened!"

...

"Next time we're taking Floo, I want a heads up, so I know not to eat so much," Harry requested.

 **...**

Sirius cursed. "Knockturn."

"Borgin and Burkes to be precise."

"Get out of there as soon as you can, do you hear me, pup?"

"Actually, I think Tonks will be happy I ended up there."

"Oi," said the Auror sharply. "Tonks is _not_ happy you ended up there. Patrolling that place gives _me_ the willies."

"I think what Harry means to say, is that someone shows up who may be of interest to you," Arthur intervened.

"Who?"

"Read, and find out."

 **...**

"Hide," ordered Hermione.

"I'm not afraid of Malfoy." Harry assured her.

"I doubt he's there alone," guessed Sirius. "Unless Malfoy Sr. is such a bloody coward, he makes his twelve-year-old do his dirty work."

 **...**

"Sounds like Lucius all right," Arthur replied.

...

"Good advice," Remus agreed.

 **...**

"You'll need the best broom on the market, the way you play Quidditch."

"Ronald!"

"What, Mum, it's true! Harry could cream Malfoy on his worst day."

"Flying's in the Potter blood," said Sirius proudly.

 **...  
**

"You're welcome to both the fame and the scar, Malfoy," Harry whispered, but Remus heard him, and ruffled his hair.

 **...**

"I want to know what I did to someone in a past life that made me get the chapter with all the brat's whining in it," Tonks huffed.

 **...**

"Not the adjectives I would use," snorted George.

 **...**

"You don't say," Tonks drawled. "Someone write this part down in case he admits to specifics."

Remus conjured parchment and a quill. "Got it, read on."

 **...**

A chorus of "Oi!" rose through out the garden. The back of Arthur's neck reddened at the show of support.

"Thank you all."

 **...**

"That you actually _are_ a piece of Death Eater scum," Sirius drawled, "Perish the thought."

 **...**

"Somehow I don't think Lucius will take Draco's thieving nature as a compliment," McGonagall remarked.

...

"Ouch," winced Tonks. "Who knew Lucius cared about grades?"

...

"Earned her place at the top of the class fair and square," said Dumbledore.

 **...**

Harry growled low in his throat, causing Sirius and Remus to look at him oddly.

...

"That necklace is sick!" Ginny declared. Hermione looked at if _she_ were going to be sick

 **...**

"That was close," breathed Ron.

"Too close," Remus added.

 **...**

"Hopefully what Borgin's saying is true, and we can get him for something, " said Arthur.

 **...**

Ron shivered. "What is it with you, and noticing spiders?"

"Sorry."

...

"Please do get out of there," Sirius agreed.

 **...**

"First thing first, get away from her," Ginny advised.

 **...**

"Hagrid!" Arabella sighed. "Thank Merlin."

 **...**

The Marauders let out their collective breath.

 **...**

"I think he realized that, Hagrid," Hermione spoke.

 **...**

"I was too relieved to ask him that myself," Molly remembered.

 **...**

"He probably would have given everyone animal limbs," Harry laughed.

...

"Don't worry, I'm sure they're looking for you," said Remus  
. **...**

"Naturally, I was frantic," huffed Mrs. Weasley.

 **...**

"No, not excellent," said Sirius sharply.

"We don't think so anymore," they remarked together.

...

"I shouldn't think so," mused Tonks.

 **...**

"I've only been more scared once in my life," said Molly.

 **...**

"I don't what to think about what would have happened if Hagrid hadn't found you either," Remus declared, shuddering.

 **...**

"I would love to get Malfoy for something too," Tonks muttered.

 **...  
**

"Mum," the twins cried.

 **...**

"No, that's not what I meant at all," cried Molly, but I stand by the fact that the Malfoys are the worst kind of trouble there is."

 **...**

Arabella shook her head fondly at Arthur

 **...**

"New quill, huh?" Sirius winked.

 **...**

"We weren't going to!" the twins said defensively.

 **...**

"No trip is complete without a stop at Fortescue's," Ron declared.

"You always think with your stomach," Hermione chuckled.

...  
"Hermione, why would we want to buy school supplies," Harry teased.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe because we were headed to _school_ ," she replied, just as good-heartedly

 **...**

"And who says Percy can't be Minister," Mrs. Weasley asked. "Your brothers don't make fun of your dreams, Ronald!"

"Yes, they do."

"Well, if you wanted to play for some other team than the _Cannons_ , we wouldn't," Fred clarified.

Ron opened his mouth to argue, but Tonks read on before he could say anything.

 **...**

Hermione became very red in the face.

...  
I wasn't aware the twit could even sign his name," snarked Remus, which surprised Harry, coming from the mild-mannered man.

"You know him?"

"He was four years below Sirius and me in school. Ravenclaw."

"Ravenclaw," repeated Harry. "How did _he_ get into Ravenclaw?"

Remus shrugged. "Hopefully we won't hear too much about his life."

Tonks nodded in wholehearted agreement, before continuing on.

 **...**

"And after you see him, you'll have to wash out your eyes," Sirius predicted, making the children, Remus and Tonks laugh.

...  
"Anyone else suspicious of how much time he spends contemplating his fashion choices," Tonks wanted to know.

Fred and George raised their hands  
. **...**  
"Leave him alone, you git," said Ron  
. **...**

"Harry can get the front page of _The Prophet_ all on his own," Ginny pointed out.

"I don't want it," the boy in question groaned.

...  
"Leave the poor boy alone," hissed McGonagall  
. **..**

"No!" groaned Arabella.

Sirius sprang to his feet. "You're barmy, Dumbledore!" he cried, pointing an accusing finger at the old man's crooked nose. "Absolutely out of your gourd!"

"Gilderoy was the only person who applied for the job, " Dumbledore replied.

"And we all know the reason for that," Remus muttered, draping his arm protectively around his nephew.

"No we don't," said Harry.

"And you don't want to," Remus answered, pulling Sirius back onto the hassock by the back of his robes.

 **...**

"And things just get better and better," Sirius scoffed.

 **...**

"Look who's jealous, Malfoy," snarked Tonks.

 **...  
**

"Oh, Ron, must you goad him," admonished his mother.

 **...**

"Couldn't you have arrived a little earlier, dear?"

"Sorry, Molly."

 **...**

"Ah, shut up, Malfoy!" Fred hissed, eyeing his sister with concern.

 **...**

"Well, no wonder the boy is so horrid if _that's_ his example!" huffed Arabella.

 **...**

"Shut your mouth about Mione and her parents!" Harry and Ron shouted in unison.

"Thank you," whispered Hermione. "But honestly, it's just Mr. Malfoy."

"I thought we had already established that Mr. Malfoy was a git," Ron muttered.

 **...**

"That was me," both twins remarked, doing nothing to ease the confusion.

 **...**

"Oh, thank goodness! Hagrid," breathed McGonagall.

 **...**

Harry hissed. This was the moment when Malfoy had made the exchange…slipped that damned book into Ginny's cauldron.

 **...**

"Best advice Hagrid could give you." Tonks agreed.

 **...**

"I think it was cool," said Colin appreciatively. "Standing up for Muggles like that."

 **...**

"Of course he wanted publicity," sighed McGonagall.

 **...**

The woman had the same look on her face after the repetition of the incident, and no one in the garden could blame Arthur for quailing under it.

 **...**


	5. The Tree That Hits Back

"Lulu is having lunch ready," announced the female house-elf as she appeared in their midst.

"Hear, hear," agreed Ron, whose stomach was grumbling.

"Dobby will help," said Dobby, hopping up from his place at Harry's feet.

"After lunch, we'll show you Sirius's pictures," Remus offered, as plates of sandwiches, and pitchers of pumpkin juice and Butterbeer appeared in the garden.

"You're going to get indigestion," Hermione warned.

"Least he's getting it on roasted beef," said Ron through a mouthful of his own, as Sirius thumped Harry on the back.

"They're my parents, Mione," said Harry

"I know, Harry." Hermione smiled, patting his hand, "I'm thrilled for you!"

"Can we see them too, mate?" Ron asked.

Harry nodded. "Sure. Help me bring the box out here, eh, Ron?"

"Box _es_ ," corrected Tonks around a mouthful of food.

"What?" said Ron.

"Boxes?" repeated Tonks, swallowing. "Tons of them, and they were so heavy I had to use magic to get them here. How many pictures did you take, Sirius?"

"I was capturing my handsomeness for posterity," Sirius replied. "Looks like this don't come around very often."

McGonagall snorted. "Potter, Weasley, get the boxes before Black's ego explodes all other this garden."

Several minutes and two aching backs later, two-thirds of the golden trio were forced to conclude that Tonks had been right. The boxes had indeed been heavy. "There must be one whole album for every year in here," Harry guessed.

"At least," said Remus. "Plus your parents' wedding album and an album of your first year."

"Ooh, baby pictures," said Molly.

"Not likely," cried Harry, making everyone laugh.

"Let's see," remarked Remus, still chuckling, as he conjured a table on which to fan out the albums. "Oh, here's the one where the giant squid capsized our boat on the way up to school."

"I thought there were four to a boat," mused Tonks.

"Pett—Peter wasn't a very good swimmer," said Remus lamely.

Harry looked over Remus's shoulder and saw that only his dad, Remus, and Sirius were above water. There were no ripples in the lake, and Harry had a feeling that the pictorial Pettigrew had the good sense to remove himself from the album.

"Is that Mrs. Norris?" he inquired, jaw slackened.

"Piñata made to look like her," Sirius answered. "Stuffed with Honeydukes' finest in the spirit of Halloween. Filch wasn't too happy with us."

"I should think not!" huffed Molly.

Sirius ignored her. "First Quidditch match of the year when we charmed miniature lions to roar every time someone said the word 'Quidditch' No stealing ideas, you two," he added catching the twins' grins. "A good prankster is always original."

The twins pouted, but Harry chuckled. Sirius need only step into the twins' room—a warehouse of trick sweets in production— to figure out just how original their ideas were.

"Here's Christmas when we set fairies loose in the Great Hall… Valentine's Day, when we turned everyone's robes pink…Oh Merlin, Remus, remember this?"

"Why is Filch running around with a scarf over his nose and mouth?" Ron wanted to know.

"That would be the Great Easter Egg Hunt of '72," recalled Remus.

"Wicked!" enthused Ginny.

"They hid them and forgot where they were," Dumbledore smiled. "The castle stunk for days."

"May we get back to reading now?" requested Molly. "I think you've put more than enough ideas in the children's heads."

"But I haven't even seen Mum yet!" Harry protested.

"This is your mum, isn't it?" Hermione pointed at a snapshot dated Dec. '74."

"Yup," Sirius nodded. "I'd recognize those eyes anywhere. That was the day we ditched History to have a massive snowball fight, and she snuck out too and followed us. James promised her they could have some fun of their own during the next Hogsmeade weekend."

"What did Mum say?"

"She hexed him. You remember how we told you Lils was good at Charms?"

"Yeah."

"Prongs had to go to the hospital wing to get his nose hair to stop growing."

"Hold on a minute, there's something else in here," said Ginny, looking in. "There's a miniature piano at Grimmauld Place?" she asked, balancing it in the palm of her hand.

Sirius shook his head. "It was definitely a grand piano."

"Well, obviously I needed to shrink it if I wanted to bring it over here," Tonks snorted. " Just in case Hermione ever did feel like playing. Kreacher fought me tooth and nail about it, but here it is, so there."

Hermione blushed. "Er…thank you, Tonks. Fred, I think it's your turn to read."

"But—"

"You must be getting back to reading, Harry Sir," said Lulu, in a voice that said it saddened her greatly to deny him.

"Don't worry," Sirius whispered. "There's more where that came from."

" **Chapter Five** ," read Fred.

Remus paled dramatically. What in the name of Merlin and Morgana was his nephew doing anywhere near that tree? He had, of course, heard of this flying car business when he had taught but had thought it merely a rumor.

Molly Weasley verbally expressed this very sentiment, declaring quite loudly that Ron was never to go near a plant with any remotely dangerous moniker again—and neither were any of her other children. She would have gone on, had she not been quieted through the combined efforts of Dumbledore and Arthur, who nodded at Fred to begin.

… **.**

"Holidays always do end too early." Tonks gave the children a commiserating smile.

… **.**

"You were jealous of me?" Ron gasped.

Fred read on, sparing Harry the burden of answering

…

"Oh," said Ron, feeling rather stupid. Of course, Harry would prefer The Burrow compared to that hellhole.

"You don't need to worry about going back there ever again, pup," Sirius assured Harry gently. "I promise."

…

"Can we have some treacle for dessert?" inquired Harry excitedly.

"Lulu's your house-elf, cub, she can cook whatever you want."

… **.**

"Hot chocolate in August?" asked Colin.

"You haven't had Mum's hot chocolate," George replied.

Remus licked his lips. "And speaking of Lulu, I wonder if I could trouble her for some hot chocolate tonight."

…

Several people made noises of sympathy for Arthur's dilemma with the trunk.

…

"I wish we could do that to my Dad's car," said Colin.

… **.**

"Because cars aren't supposed to be that roomy, apparently!" Mrs. Weasley glared at her husband.

…

"Can't go to school without fireworks," Sirius agreed.

…

"Or broomsticks," added Tonks.

…

Ginny stared fixedly at the ground, getting a view of the top of Colin's head. Harry went white-knuckled, and although he had no idea what had brought on the display, Sirius massaged them with the pad of his thumb.

… **.**

In a way, Harry wished they had flown to King's Cross because he and Ron would have found out that the booster was faulty.

… **.**

"You're going to miss the train if you don't hurry up!" Tonks worried.

…

"Avoiding Muggles is the essential part," agreed Dumbledore.

…

"Why didn't you let the boys go first?" Remus wanted to know. "If Ginny had missed the train, you could've made sure she got to school."

… **.**

"Go, go, go!" Tonks, Sirius, and Colin cried.

… **.**

Remus was not the only one who winced this time "This is the one time you shouldn't follow the 'capital letters rule, Fred." Sirius informed him. "It makes for two very nervous guardians."

…

"Is the guard blind, or stupid?" Ginny inquired. "Clearly they ran into the wall."

…

"I would never hurt Hedwig," cried Harry looking hurt.

"We know," Remus, Sirius, Ron, and Hermione assured him.

…

"That seems to be the question of the day," mused Arthur,

Harry tried to will Dobby not to give himself away since he had a pretty good idea how his godfather and honorary uncle would react. By the apparent intervention of Merlin, Dobby stayed still and silent.

…

"You thought the Dursleys gave him _pocket money_?" Arabella scoffed. "Come now, dear."

…

"However long it took us, you should have waited," Molly admonished.

…

"So the car was your idea, Weasley?" asked McGonagall sharply.

"Yes, ma'am," whispered Ron.

…

"Very convincing argument, Ron," the twins snorted together.

"Don't think it would hold up at the Ministry though," added Tonks.

…

Remus and Sirius smiled nostalgically. "We used to feel the same way before a prank," Remus remembered.

…

" _Big_ problem!" Hermione countered. "It was broad daylight, Ronald!"

"Not to mention we weren't with you," George pouted.

"Get on with the story, Fred!" Molly ordered.

…

"At least you're being careful," Tonks sighed.

…

"Eyeballs would be so cool!" enthused Colin.

…

"The invisibility booster's _faulty_!" Arthur gasped.

"Yeah," Harry sighed.

…

"Smart," said Arabella. "If I saw a flying car, I'd have thought I had gone batty, and I'm sure Muggles would feel the same."

…

"A scarlet snake is an oxymoron," declared Ginny, while Sirius and the Weasleys shivered.

"Honestly, guys," Remus laughed,

…

"I don't see what's so hilarious," Molly muttered.

…

"That's not exactly how the entrance happened, I'm afraid," recalled Dumbledore.

…

"Sounds like what I see when I take my bike out," Sirius smiled. "You should come up with me, Prongslet, you haven't been on it since you were a baby."

"Wicked!" replied Harry.

… **.**

"The trolley is a perk of the Express," agreed Hermione.

…

Many of the adults were also growing nervous.

…

"Ah," said Arthur nervously. "Well, I didn't fix it to withstand long journeys."

…

"It was weird," remarked Harry. "As if the car had human emotions or something."

…

"Good," said Remus. "You've made it."

… **.**

"They're going to drown!" Molly cried.

"They're still with us, dear," said Arthur, as calmly as he could under the circumstances.

… **.**

"Get to the ground!" Tonks wailed. "And when I say that, I mean without hurting yourselves, if you don't mind."

…

"Ron, if you say 'uh-oh' or 'come on' one more time, I think you're going to give Mum, Sirius, and Remus heart attacks," Ginny whispered

… **.**

"I don't think the wand will work at this point," shuddered Arabella.

… **.**

"NO!" Remus moaned piteously, his complexion blanching.

…

"My fault! All my fault!"

Harry shook his head and gave his uncle a one-armed hug. "I don't blame you, Remus, I would never blame you. It's not your fault you were bitten, and if the Willow let you come to Hogwarts, then that's all that matters to me."

"Thank you, cub," he whispered, burrowing his face in Harry's messy hair. "You're so very like your mother, sometimes."

"It's only the truth," Harry replied.

"As is the part about Lily," broke in Sirius proudly.

… **.**

"Be thankful it's not your neck!" Molly snapped. "You could have been seriously hurt."

… **.**

Remus grabbed Harry's hand and squeezed it as if to assure himself that Harry was next to him and unharmed.

Fred witnessed the exchanges between the three and sped up his reading to oblige Remus.

… **.**

"Apparently you're not done for," breathed Hermione gratefully.

… **.**

"I'll say," agreed Sirius. "Harry just spoke, and the car responded. _Amazing_!"

…

"Dad?" repeated Ginny. "I'd be more worried about Mum killing me if I were you."

… **.**

Harry tried very hard not to glare at Ron for his past self's comment, which seemed to affect Remus so badly.

… **.**

"First stop, hospital wing," remarked Tonks.

…

"Feast stalkers," teased the twins.

…

"Just my hair? Gee, thanks," Ginny stuck out her tongue.

… **.**

"I think we have all felt like that when getting Sorted," Arthur sympathized.

…

"That was my Sorting!" Colin cried. The garden clapped for him.

…

"Let me guess whose seat was empty?" Sirius drawled.

…

"Why bother asking why he hates me when I know I won't get my answer?" huffed Harry resignedly.

Remus ruffled his hair affectionately. "One day, cub," he answered sadly.

…

"Ron!" Molly cried, as her son voiced his wish for Snape to exit Hogwarts.

…

"That is not a sufficient reason to be sacked, boys," informed McGonagall.

…

"On the other hand, a teacher who takes pleasure in students getting in trouble…" Arthur mused.

"I shall talk to him," Dumbledore promised. "He was only meant to collect the boys, and then get Minerva and me."

… **.**

"That's cheery," scoffed Fred.

…

"Couldn't this little interview be done in the infirmary?" Molly fretted.

… **.**

"Good luck trying to get the car out of the Forest," Harry chuckled dryly.

…

"SHUT UP SNAPE" shouted Ginny, Sirius, and the twins.

"Volume," pleaded Remus.

… **.**

"Why is he worried about that crazy tree?" Colin wanted to know.

…

"Ron has a point, though," Tonks pointed out.

…

"I have to be strict with a house full of pranksters. What did you expect, Mr. Potter?"

"Nothing less, ma'am."

… **.**

"At least you're _letting_ them explain this time," said Arabella quietly.

…

"Yeah, but I didn't think to use Hedwig because I was kind of panicking."

…

"Damn you, Vernon and Petunia Dursley," Sirius cursed inwardly. "Damn you for hurting my precious pup."

…

"I have heard some pretty interesting truths in my day," Dumbledore assured the boy, chuckling.

… **.**

Dumbledore remembered how Harry had seemed that day. It had appeared as if the boy were begging his professor not to make him return to Privet Drive.

…

George smirked. "Like Colin said, when did Snape start to care about that tree?"

"He just wants to get Harry in trouble," Sirius replied crossly.

…

"I prefer _wrathful_ _lioness_ , thank you," said McGonagall primly. "Eagles are Filius's department."

Everyone aside from Molly burst into laughter. Even Remus, who partially blamed himself for Harry's encounter with the Willow smiled.

…

They clapped for Ginny as they had for Colin.

…

" I was trying not to smile. In that moment, you reminded me so much of James it was uncanny," McGonagall admitted quietly.

…

Molly, Remus, and Sirius hissed at this characterization of the Dursleys.

…

"You two have all the luck!" said Fred.

"Yeah," George agreed, "when she came back we couldn't read her expression. So we all took bets on how much trouble you got in."

"You know I don't approve of gambling," Molly snapped.

…

Hermione and Colin raised their hands in agreement. They too had sensed impending doom.

…

"Precisely the reason you didn't attend the feast," remarked McGonagall.

…

"Oops, no password. Seems you've hit a snag," Tonks said.

…

"Perfect Hermione voice, Fred, old chap", Ron joked.

"Stop it, Ronald, or I won't check your homework anymore," Hermione threatened. Ron shut his mouth immediately.

… **.**

"Skipping the lecture is exactly the point," Harry teased. He held up his hand to forestall her. "And you said if _Ron_ teased you, you wouldn't check our homework anymore, but I'm not Ron, am I?"

Hermione picked up an empty cushion from next to Colin and bopped Harry on the head. "No," she answered. " _You_ are a prat."

Harry poked her in the side. "Don't start a 'who's-more-annoying' war with a prat, then, because you know you won't win."

"R—R—read, Fred," Hermione begged, in the midst of the poking and bopping fest.

"She admits defeat!" Harry cried, grinning at his ticklish friend.

… **.**

"They were still talking about it when I came to teach," Remus confirmed. "But I never thought it was true."

…

"I've had a lot of practice avoiding Percy's lectures," Ron shrugged. "I learned from Fred and George."

… **.**

"But you only arrive at Hogwarts by flying car once," nodded Fred.

… **.**

"That's it," Fred announced.

"Thank Merlin!" said Remus.


	6. The Idiot Professor

**Chapter Six,"** read Ginny, although she could barely be heard over the groans of the garden's male adolescents.

"Does every blockhead professor need a chapter named after him?" whined Sirius.

"Dunno," Ron replied, "does Lockhart even qualify as a professor?"

"Hardly," McGonagall, giving Harry an awkward desire to high-five his professor,

"The only thing he was qualified for was being the eye candy of half the school," Fred wiggled his eyebrows, causing an embarrassed Ginny to clear her throat.

…

The garden's occupants seemed disturbed to hear about the sudden downturn in Harry's mood.

…

"I hope you don't make a habit of vigilante punishment, Miss Granger," said McGonagall sternly.

"No, ma'am."

…

"Neville's mother Alice was forgetful as well," mused Remus and Harry thought he saw a sad glint in his uncle's eyes.

… **.**

The twins put their fingers in their ears in preparation for their mother's remembered wrath.

…

"That's because it will explode," whispered Arabella, whose mother had gotten a Howler Arabella's great-grandmother when it was discovered the young girl was a Squib.

…

"Howlers are something Dumbledore should have banned long ago," Remus explained, although the question was now moot. "They are humiliating and barbaric!"

Remus's tone caused Harry to rethink the question on his lips, but he was saved the trouble when Sirius spoke, "Mother sent me one every morning for a year after I was Sorted into Gryffindor."

"Keep reading," Tonks instructed Ginny, with the air of someone who was quite glad to have not had a relationship with Walburga Black.

…

"The incident will be over," Arabella agreed with Neville, "the aftermath, not so much."

… **.**

"Howlers make me glad my mum's a Muggle!" shivered Colin, while Hermione nodded in agreement,

"What would you get a Howler for, Mione," Ron asked, "not brushing your teeth?"

"Ron," Arthur warned, "I never want to hear you ask that again."

…

"Don't you dare bring Harry into this," Sirius shouted. "He's not yours to discipline, Molly!"

…

" _It's not_ entirely _Ron's fault."_ Harry's thoughts must have shown on his face because Sirius and Hermione squeezed his hands, and Arthur said,

"Water under the bridge, Harry."

…

"Not a good idea to tell him he deserved it," Tonks advised Hermione.

… **.**

Tonks had high hopes that her old House wouldn't give Ron too much grief.

…

"Now I guess we know why Lockhart was late for our first Defense lesson," Colin assumed.

"And you're complaining about this stroke of luck?" Fred asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Not at all."

…

Ginny was interrupted by the sound of scratching quills. She giggled at what Fred was writing, which a grinning Harry assumed had something to do with the Herbology mistress making a surprise visit to Privet Drive.

…

"Sure you do," Arabella huffed. "If you truly didn't want them running away with the idea, you wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place."

…

"What does Lockhart want with you, pup?"

"Just wanted to talk," Harry replied. From the looks on his guardians' faces, the answer didn't hold water.

…

"We mind if he's late," said, Molly, Minerva, and Remus.

…

"Please kick yourself," George snarked, "don't let Harry stop you."

…

"I could wait a lifetime, actually," Harry replied. "I never want to be in the _Prophet_ again."

"Anyone what half a brain knows that," Hermione assured him.

"Yet another thing Lockhart doesn't qualify for," shrugged Sirius nonchalantly.

….

"I highly doubt you know what Potter is thinking," McGonagall drawled, "and I can say with the utmost certainty you would not find it complimentary."

…

"Sweet Merlin, the git almost admitted to being a nobody," gasped Tonks.

…

"Excuse me," said Remus to Dobby and Lulu as he knelt in front of Harry and took his nephew's shoulders gently. "Think hard, cub, did Lockhart do anything other than wink at you?"

"Like…" Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, Sirius, Remus, Tonks, McGonagall, and Mrs. Figg were all looking at him seriously. The implications of Remus's statement dawned on the teen, "oh, sweet Merlin, Moony!"

"Answer me, please."

"No, I mean, I'd remember if he did…wouldn't I?"

…

"I don't know, Harry. The way you're acting in the book, all dazed like that…sounds like a Memory Charm to me," said Tonks worriedly.

…

Sirius laughed. "Moony knocked Prongs' glasses off at least ten times, before—" Harry held his breath, wondering if Sirius could be counted on to mention Pettigrew name in a way that wouldn't rouse questions. "before one of us sat between them."

…

"I found out what Mione meant pretty quickly," Harry remembered.

…

"I got the fluffy earmuffs when we did this lesson," said George. "Completely clashed with my hair."

…

"The baby Mandrake sort of reminded me of Dudley when he was little," said Harry.

"It would seem they're quite similar in temperament," Arabella agreed.

… **.**

"Why would they ever want to miss their first day," Tonks laughed. She was quite familiar with her former Head of House's sarcastic sense of humor, but not many others saw that side of Sprout.

…

Sirius saw Harry stiffen when Ginny read the Hufflepuff boy's name. "What is it?" he asked, running a hand down his godson's back.

"Finch-Fletchley was one of the students to be Petrified," spoke McGonagall.

"That's not it, Professor," said Ron, causing Harry to glare at his friend.

"That's okay," said Remus. "We'll talk about it when you're ready."

…

"Lockhart is something, all right. A real piece of—"

"Auror Tonks!" cried Molly.

"Yes, how can I help you?"

Ginny read on before her mother could answer the rhetorical question.

 **...**

"Eton is a very prestigious Muggle school," Arabella answered before Arthur could ask.

 **...**

"I'm sure the Ravenclaws and Slytherins appreciated the wash," said Fred.

...

"When _I_ taught Transfiguration, I always found it better to use Immobilized objects," said Dumbledore.

"How would they learn, if I did that for them," snapped McGonagall.

 **...**

"We would have managed to get you another wand, son," Arthur assured.

...

"Good question, brother o' mine." Fred wiggled his eyebrows at the blushing Hermione.

"You can do _so_ much better," Sirius told her.

 **...**

The present Colin also went red as his book self was introduced.

 **...**

"Perhaps this should have been done in private?" Remus told Colin gently, "before someone overhears."

 **...**

"Someone like the Slytherins," groaned Tonks.

 **...**

Harry was stunned. "Never thought I see the day when I would agree with Malfoy, but my scar doesn't make me feel special."

"You don't need that to feel special," said Sirius. "You already are."

"And you, Colin, are exceptionally brave," Remus added.

Colin beamed.

 **...**

"Finally, a teacher," breathed Remus.

 **...**

"Not _that_ teacher," shivered Tonks.

 **...  
**

Sirius rubbed Harry's shoulders as though trying to remove any long-ago vestige of Lockhart's touch.

"Better," he whispered when he felt Harry lean into the touch.

"Yeah."

 **...**

"Harry would never enjoy the sight of his own face quite that much," said George.

 **...**

"Shut up, Ron," Ginny Colin, and Harry hissed above the laughter.

...

"Was that his idea of a joke?" asked Arabella.

 **...**

"Apparently, Ella," Sirius replied.

 **...**

"My favorite color is vomit yellow," said George, mimicking Lockhart's pompous tone.

 **...**

"His secret ambition is to crawl into a hole somewhere never to be seen again," said Fred.

 **...**

"Obliviating himself would qualify," Ron whispered to Harry and Hermione.

 **...**

"No wonder you were so far behind in the third year," Remus scoffed.

 **...**

"Talking about drinking in front of children," hissed Molly.

 **...**

"That's one author you needn't have read cover to cover, Miss Granger," said McGonagall.

"Got us points, though," beamed Harry.

 **...**

"That was a good speech," admitted Remus begrudgingly.

"Sure," said Sirius, "but would you believe a word of it coming from Lockhart?"

 **...**

"Pixies?" said Arabella with a laugh.

 **...**

'That man is… impossible,' McGonagall said.

 **...**

The people in the garden laughed as the pixies destroyed Lockhart's classroom.

 **...  
**

"If they're only pixies, then a full-grown wizard shouldn't need help from second-years," remarked Tonks.

"They're his Boggart!" guffawed Sirius.

"Don't ever make fun of someone's Boggart," Harry shouted.

"I would never, pup!"

"Ssh, it's all right, cub," comforted Remus, who gave Sirius a hard look. "You just did, Padfoot."

 **...**

"Poor Neville," winced Colin.

 **...**

"No, we can't believe him," said everyone but Molly and Dumbledore.

...

Hermione shook her head at her former self. "What Remus taught us was hands-on," she said.

 **...**

"Next chapter," announced Ginny, handing the book to Colin.


	7. Muggle-Borns and Mutterings

**Please review.**

"C-C-Chapter Seven," stuttered Colin, covering his mouth when he realized what the Anti-Concealment Charm had just forced him to say.

"You are forgiven," said Dumbledore gently.

…

"Avoiding Lockhart is an excellent instinct, Potter," said McGonagall as she, the Weasley children, Tonks and the Marauders applauded.

…

"Uh, yeah…I sort of copied Neville's schedule," Colin admitted sheepishly. "Sorry."

…

"That's why you shouldn't have worried about the silent treatment, " Harry teased Hermione lightly. "Hedwig was not going to let me off easy."

…

"That's why you should have asked us for a new wand, son," Arthur sighed. "Backfiring spells are dangerous."

…

"Saturday visits to Hagrid, that's a good idea," said Remus.

…

"What on earth did Wood want so early, anyway?" Hermione wanted to know.

"Practice," groaned Harry, Fred and George.

…

"This practice began before the sun was even up," Harry groaned, remembering. "The only thing I wanted to see was the inside of my eyelids."

…

"Exactly, it's the crack of dawn," said Arabella. "So roll over and go back to sleep, child."

… **.**

"I don't think you and Wood have the same 'exactly' in mind," Ginny laughed.

…

"First off the mark by a mile," reported Harry. "Trials were only twelve hours before."

… **.**

"And went straight to the kitchens to ask the house-elves for an early breakfast, like the kind one usually enjoys, oh, I don't know, _in bed_ ," prompted Sirius hopefully.

…

"Apparently not his plan, Padfoot," said Remus genially.

… **.**

"That's one thing I love about Wizarding photography," nodded Ron. "Say you don't want to be standing next to your git brother, Percy, for example…"

"Ron," Molly cried.

… **.**

"Quidditch, boring," gasped Ron.

"He was just trying to get rid of me," said Colin fairly.

… **.**

"Never were two people better suited for the position," said Arthur fondly. "You two have been a pair of human Bludgers since the day you were born."

…

"All of which you could learned by going to the library, Mr. Creevey," said McGonagall.

…

"How did Wood wake up the girls?" Remus wanted to know.

"He paid off a second year to set off Dungbombs on the girls side of the dormitory," Fred replied. "Woke up not only the Chasers, but a very beauty-conscious fifth-year, who came stomping out of Angelina's dorm, saying Wood was an ass for waking her up, so he might as well look like one."

"Wish you'd have seen him with the donkey ears, Harry," George added, "but he'd gotten rid of them by the time you arrived. Shame, really. It was beautiful."

"Should have told me back then," Harry laughed. "I would've wanted to shake her hand."

"Moving on," said Molly pointedly.

…

"You would think after waiting for Harry, Wood might have scrapped the talk idea," said Hermione.

…

"I don't know why he wasn't pleased," said George. "I think 'why did you wake us up at the crack of dawn?' is a perfectly reasonable question

…

"He isn't really going to blame Harry for being in the hospital wing?" asked Tonks incredulously.

…

"The reserve Seeker couldn't even fly straight," recalled George.

…

"All the defeats torture him," laughed Harry

…

"You were just taunting me with that food," Harry joked.

"If we wanted to taunt you, we'd have brought mountains of treacle," answered Ron.

 **...  
**

"Who won the race?" Arabella wanted to know.

"Me," chorused Harry, Fred, and George.

"Stupid question, then."

 **...**

"Sorry," Colin apologized again.

 **...**

"Any spy the Slytherins sent wouldn't be caught dead in Gryffindor robes," said Ginny.

 **...**

"Oh Merlin, here we go!" muttered Remus, as the Gryffindor boys headed for the ground.

 **...**

"True, but you spent your practice time in the locker room," spoke Tonks.

...

"I highly doubt Severus wrote that letter, Mr. Black," said McGonagall, before Sirius could start in on Snape and his Slytherin favoritism.

 **...**

"Bribe," George coughed before returning to reading.

 **...**

"You mean a _second_ field invasion," corrected Tonks.

 **...**

"According to the robes _he's_ the new Slytherin Seeker," Arabella winced,

 **...**

"He bought the brooms and your spot, Draco!" Sirius snarled. "Why wasn't there an inquiry into this, Dumbledore?"

"Perhaps we were amiss," Albus admitted.

"Perhaps?" repeated Arabella. "This is a clear case of bribery!"

 **...**

"You tell 'em Her—" shouted Sirius, stopping mid-sentence. "Why is no one else cheering?"

"Because we know what happens next," said Fred hotly.

"Which is what, exactly?" asked Tonks.

 **...**

Mrs. Weasley and McGonagall screamed.

Sirius looked murderous as he put a supportive arm around Hermione. "I'm so sorry, Mione. I'll be dealing with him."

...

George was gleeful again, as he read about he and Fred lunging at Malfoy.

"Oh, I wish you wouldn't fight," wailed their mother.

"Did you hear what Colin just read?" asked Ginny.

"Don't worry, Mum. Now, we have-"

-better ideas for Malfoy-

-than fighting him," the twins finished.

 _"I'll bet,"_ Harry thought. He laughed, imagining Malfoy as the twins' trick sweet subject.

 **...**

"Oh no," groaned Ginny, when she heard about Ron brandishing his broken wand.

 **...**

"Slugs," shivered Arabella, looking repulsed.

"Lucky Madam Promfrey doesn't ask too many questions," said Tonks.

"We didn't go to Madam Pomfrey," said Harry.

...

"No, he most certainly cannot hold Weasley still, Mr. Creevey," McGonagall snapped.

 **...**

"Lockhart does have a way of showing up where he's not wanted," Arthur remarked.

 **...**

Tonks nodded. "Another good call. Hagrid won't ask too many questions either, and he can hopefully cheer you up a bit."

 **...**

"Time to eat that kettle, Hagrid," chorused the twins.

 **...**

"There's no need to defend me, Miss Granger, though I do appreciate it," said Dumbledore, with a little bow.

Sirius and Remus assumed expressions that told Harry his guardians would have been much happier had Hermione seen fit to set Dumbledore on fire as well.

 **...**

"You have to ask?" said Tonks. "Come on, Hagrid, who do we know who thinks all Muggle-borns are scum?"

...

"That's a very good explanation, Mr. Weasley," Albus told Ron.

"Thank you, sir."

 **...**

"Hear, hear," cheered Harry and Ron, making Hermione go as magenta as she did in the book.

 **...**

"Oh, I don't know, Harry," said Hermione bitterly. "You might want to ask Buckbeak how much trouble Lucius Malfoy can cause."

 **...**

"I don't doubt that Lockhart is spreading that rumor," said Remus, laughing,"but I think Hagrid is joking around with you, cub."

 **...**

"Bet Lockhart didn't like that!" Sirius whooped appreciatively.

 **...**

"You three should have seen the pumpkins by the time the Halloween feast came 'round," said Colin excitedly. "They were so big Hagrid could have fit-ow!"

George had seen the look on his mother's face and given him a shove.

"And why weren't you three at the feast?" asked Molly hotly.

"You don't need to be skipping out on food, pup," said Sirius, in a different, more concerned tone.

 **...**

"Mysteriously deaf, my arse," snorted Tonks.

...

"What is it?" George asked an incredibly pale Ginny. She didn't answer, not wanting to tell him that she had met Hagrid on a Tom-induced excursion to the chicken coop.

"Keep reading, Colin," she said.

 **...**

"Hopefully these detentions will be more appropriate than the one in the forest," said Arthur, with a stern look for McGonagall.

 **...**

Arthur nodded. That detention seemed fine.

 **...**

"NO!" shouted the Marauders, upon hearing Harry's detention was with Lockhart.

 **...**

"You didn't find anything strange about Lockhart's request?" Remus growled. "Perhaps we should talk to the governors about _you_ as well, Minerva."

 **...**

"Harry had it worse," said Arabella.

 **...**

"Don't worry," Harry remarked. "I tuned the git out after the first ten seconds."

"Good for you, Prongslet," said Sirius.

 ** _..._**

Although the first days of summer were coming to Devon, an unnatural chill fell about the Weasleys' garden. Many shivered. Others paled. Harry and Ginny found themselves in death grips courtesy of their respective guardians.

"What the bloody hell was that?" Sirius whispered into his godson's hair.

 **...**

"Four hours!" Remus cried. "That's cruel and inhumane. Do you know what Lockhart could have done to Harry in four hours?"

 **...**


	8. Nick's Deathday

**AN:** Please read and review. Also, check out my AU Harry-raised-by-Lily story The Castle on the Hill and review that too.

* * *

 **"Chapter Eight,"** read George. "Guess we find out where you three disappeared to that Halloween."

 **….**

"I hate Pepper-up," Ginny declared.

 **…**

"And _that's_ why I hate it," she mumbled.

 **…**

"Something tells me Filch is going to show up now," groaned Hermione.

 **…**

"All's fair in love and Quidditch," whooped Tonks, appreciating the twins use of turnabout.

"Spying is such a nasty word, though," quibbled George, looking over the book, "we prefer 'scouting expedition.'

 **…**

Remus nodded knowingly. "I think we can all guess what Nick's greatest desire without the mirror."

"What?" asked Colin.

"He's wanted to join the Headless Hunt for as long as I can remember."

 **…**

"But I'm going to tell you anyway," finished Ron, mimicking Nick's mannerisms.

"Right you are," said George, looking down the page.

 **….**

"It's best to just agree with Nick when he gets like this," said McGonagall.

 **….**

"Ridicule?" repeated Colin.

"Ah, yes," nodded Dumbledore, "ghosts can be quite cruel to each other."

 **…**

"Did you know Nick was this punny, Moony?" Sirius asked.

"Nope."

 **…**

"The nerve of them," hissed Molly when she heard what the third years had done.

"It said 'accident', Mum," said Ron.

"But Filch was ill, poor man."

 **…**

"If you've had enough of it, then call a house-elf already," Tonks told Filch.

 **…**

"Cheers," Tonks winked at the twins. "Charlie and I have half a drawer between us."

…

"If I did 'befoul the castle' isn't it technically Wood's fault?" Harry wanted to know.

Remus shook his head fondly. "I hope you didn't submit that query to Filch."

 **…**

"I'll give you a great bang, George Weasley," said his mother, clutching her chest in fright.

 **…**

Sirius forestalled the twins with a raised hand. He knew what Harry had been thinking. When you came from an abusive home, it was understood that running made the ultimate punishment that much worse.

 **…**

"Not that Kwikspell scam!" groaned Arabella, having fallen for it herself.

 **…**

"Ah, the secret to a happy marriage," sighed Fred.

"I now pronounce you man and yak," agreed George.

 **…**

"Means he's a Squib," snickered Ron, "but we already knew that."

….

"Did Sir just say 'vanishing cabinet'?" Lulu asked George.

"Yeah, why?"

"What's wrong?" asked Harry.

The house-elf shook her head and began to rock back and forth.

"Guess we'll find out," said Remus.

 **…**

"Oh no!" groaned Hermione, when she heard Harry had tried to lie to Filch.

 **…**

"And we've found someone who's a worse liar than Harry," Tonks declared. "Filch."

 **…**

"We're amazed at your luck too!" said the twins.

 **…**

"Go Nick!" cheered the Marauders and twins.

"I knew I always liked him," said Fred.

 **…**

"Did you have to offer to help Nick, Harry?"

"Don't whine, Ronald," Molly scolded.

 **…**

"Sound happy," advised McGonagall. "A deathday is very important to a ghost."

 **….**

" _I_ would've rather gone to the feast," Ron raised his hand.

"You didn't have to come with me," Harry pointed out.

 **….**

Albus chuckled. "I doubt even your vouching for Nick would help in this case, Harry."

 **…**

Tonks wined. "'Rescued' it, huh? Just be glad Charlie wasn't here that little detail. He'd pummel you."

The twins paled.

"Would Charlie really pummel them?" Harry whispered to Ron.

"Nah, just curse them to kingdom come."

 **…**

"That skeleton troupe was just a rumor," said Colin.

 **…**

"Guess I was a little bossy," Hermione said ruefully.

"You just have to make an appearance, Harry," Sirius shrugged. "Say hello to Nick and Sir Patrick then leave."

 **…**

"Is that supposed to be music?" Sirius asked

. …

Sirius and Ron high-fived at their similarities.

 **…**

"I'd give the Baron a wide berth too," said Remus, "and _I've_ never been dumb enough to antagonize him with a prank."

"It was _one_ time," Sirius whined.

 **…**

"Wouldn't want to talk to Moaning Myrtle either," Tonks agreed with Hermione.

 **…**

There were fond chuckles from a few of the Weasleys regarding Ron's one-track mind where food was concerned, but Ron looked ill at the memory.

"Nothing was edible," he said.

"Doesn't sound like it," said George, who continued reading.

….

"The ghosts find rotten food most appetizing," said Dumbledore, amused by the grossed out looks.

 **….**

"I highly doubt Peeves was invited," tutted McGonagall.

"I'd invite him to my party," said Sirius.

….

"Peeves overhead you, Hermione," George winced. "This is bad."

"Very bad," agreed Remus.

"Why?" asked Colin.

"Peeves doesn't really care about being rude," Remus replied. "He's going to turn around and tell Myrtle."

"Oh."

…

"Don't say that to Peeves, Hermione," Fred advised. "Upsetting Myrtle is exactly what he wants and she's kind of a sad sack anyway."

….

"And _I'm_ a bad liar?" Harry teased Hermione as George read about her fumbling explanation to Myrtle.

"Peeves put me on the spot," she hissed.

…

"Was Nick's speech any good," asked Tonks.

"Didn't get to hear it," said Harry.

"Why?" said Remus suspiciously. He sighed when Harry didn't answer, "Read on, George."

…

"See?" said Harry to Remus, "it was nothing bad. Just Sir Patrick."

"Still, I would've appreciated an answer."

…

"Yes, get some _real_ food," Molly agreed with her son.

…

"What the bloody hell?" screamed George as he read ahead to the basilisk's threat. "Not that again."

Remus gripped Harry's hand tightly.

….

Sirius gaped. "Let me get this straight, you three hear a scary voice and you run _towards_ it! Sweet Merlin, what were you lot _thinking_?"

"They weren't!" answered McGonagall.

A look of hurt ghosted across Harry's face.

…

Ginny paled. The basilisk had probably smelled the chicken's blood she had smeared all over the wall at Tom's command.

…

"It's _real?"_ Tonks gasped. "The Chamber's really real?"

"Yes," Dumbledore replied.

….

"A noble instinct, Harry," said Sirius, "but Ron's right, you don't want to be seen there. People will think you…"

….

"…did it," Sirius finished with a gulp.

…

"Of course Malfoy would be happy," said Tonks, as George handed the book to his father.


End file.
